Weekly Reports: Season 2013–14

Your report fast track . . .

End of Year Awards
Season 2013–14

The season end and, for the third year running, the Phantom and his lovely wife Diana treated us to their skull cave mansion, fine food and jovial hospitality. It certainly is a fitting and much anticipated end to our golfing season (though that's not binding on them – of course!). Walks and Maxine are to be heartily congratulated and thanked for their generous and willing hospitality. A VERY BIG THANK YOU from the rest of the pygmy tribe.

Watch out for those fingers!	Watching out for those edible fingers

After a few beers and softies washed down a delicious and filling meal of bread rolls (fortunately), onions, sauces and left-handed sausages, our emcee – Ronaldo – gave forth. There were apologies from the Prez (about to make another fortune in contract work); the Prez-in-Waiting (on International Diplomatic business) and Sydney Jackson. And those who made significant contributions during the season were also thanked. Season highlights included:

• the Prez's cameo appearance – paring the first 5 holes at Hamersley;
• the Joondalup round – Ron has a distinct love affair with the course, and most (if not all) of us do to;
• Visitors Day and a grandson for Macca;
• Not the Burswood Trophy at Secret Harbour;
• then there was the inaugural Seaview Championship and the first event in which a trophy was named after one of the group (The Snout Seaview Championship!)
• Dalbs had the best handicap change, coming in 4 strokes over the season; Scobes suffered the biggest going out, again by 4 strokes;
• Birdies achieved this year set records – Squancey the highest individual total: 4; overall there were 14 birdies spread amongst 7 players, with holes 14 and 16 birdies 4 times each; holes 12, 13 and 18 remained birdieless.
• 250 game milestones were achieved by Dalbs, Ronzo and Macca (Certificates presented) and 200 games by Scobes (Certificate lost in the post!), while Macca played 25 of the 26 home-and-away games in 2013–14.

Then came the presentations . . . .

Major Trophies

Season Awards

And so it only remained to pass the tissue box around while, at the same time, looking forward to assembling at Binningup in a weekend in August.

It's been a great pleasure to put the weekly rambles together for an appreciative and fantastic bunch of blokes. My special thanks to Macca who has often got me out of a big squeeze by knocking out reports that, in the main, were totally unsolicited. I look forward to repeating the torture in the not-too-distant future. In the meantime, many thanks for the much appreciated addition to my golf ball stocks.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Stableford, Collier Park
WALKERS WINDUP

It had to happen some time – the ultimate fixture for 2013–14. And it finally had a name to match the occasion – Walkers Windup. Walks didn't need a wind up – he was there early and at the head of the queue ensuring we all paid up and jumped into the correct carts. It was only when we got to the Island tee that he got the wind up after being redirected to the Lake tee. Whichever ete didn't really matter. It was a delightful morning in delightful company with a delightful feast to follow. And some of the golf was good as well while the course was great and suited us.

Macca observed that . . . . Firstly, Squancy played a superb first nine for 22 points and was going easy after a three day work trip to Reno. The second nine was not quite so strong (jetlagged, but brave!) but he still managed to play some great escape shots for his excellent score of 41. His game was typified by good drives, some superb approach shots, and a great birdie 3 resulting from a deadly long putt. His not quite so excellent fellow-travellers struggled a bit. Steve will admit to being the worst of the remainder and his NAGA would have been well-deserved except for (whoever it was) out-NAGAing him. At times Steve reckoned it was his worst round ever. The less said about that the better, though he remained his supportive self throughout the performance. Walks was hot and cold and seeing it was his next-to-home course, he was a little disappointed. He still played some great drives but fluffed a few second shots. Macca was quite poor, considering his practise game here two days previously, and although he somehow managed a long drive and an NTP (and he holed the putt for a birdie) he was very much one of the also-rans. General agreement from the first group that it was a most enjoyable day despite the golf.

Winning style – avoiding bunker and lake. Such precision!

The following trio managed some reasonably good golf. Ronzo was obviously relaxed knowing that, with Scobes behind the wheel, he was not likely to end up bogged in a bunker. He set to with quite a number of those signature long booming drives but struck trouble mid-first nine with a few wayward fairway shots and fluffed short approaches. Cannoned around the second (Island) nine scoring 21 points and finishing the season on a high golfing note. Scobes was at it all day – the jokes and magnificent one-liners kept as all amused but not as bemused as we were at his sickeningly consistent golf. A few got away ("Ron, what are you doing?") but for the most he was down the middle and chipping relentlessly onto the green. Greens were reasonably quick and tested the "touch". Scobes' putter often 'pinged' as it ran hot but just as quickly 'ponged' as putts went wide or short. Was frightening what he could have scored if there were a few less 'pongs'. Dalbs took four holes to wake up. After a "kick' from a puff on a B&H Fine, sprang to life with some real golf and 14 points for the next five holes. With straighter drives, reasonable irons and mostly straight putts on Island, 17 points were in the bag despite two wipes. A great season finish by this trio.

Results:
1st: Scobes (41) on countback from . . .
2nd: Squancey (41)
3rd: Ronzo (38)
NTP's: Ronzo, Macca, Ronzo
LD's: Macca, Squancey
NAGA: Steve
Birdies: Squance ; Macca

Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Par Bisque, Hamersley

Macca humbley reports that . . . The wettest morning in 111 days brought six intrepid ‘golfers’ to Ronzo’s favourite event – the final par bisque of the season. The light rain subsided before tee-off and a pink smudge on the Eastern horizon heralded a perfect golf day.

With the gallery swelling to six behind the GBW-ers, everyone bar one rose to the occasion with superb opening drives. Your reporter had an undertaking with TLM not to mention names to protect the guilty. The gallery was in awe but one onlooker summoned up the courage to ask the second group if the one failed driver was actually a token ‘Eastern Stater’.
As has now become traditional the lead group were still asking questions regarding how to score par bisque by the twelfth tee.

But back to the golf. The tenth hole set the scene: Ronzo wiped; Tom and Steve double-bogied; Jacko and Walks bogied; and Macca parred. As the game progressed, Tom settled in and invested his 15 strokes to stay in touch...even though he squandered ten of those strokes for ‘0s’. By the last hole he beat all comers bar Macca for a +2. With limited games under his belt TLM’s 50 off the stick was commendable. Walks’s 52 off the stick was a bit of a let-down after his recent sensational form and questions are being asked as to his possible overtraining. Steve ended up with a 49 off the stick and was let down by atrocious putting but still had a near-podium finish being pipped by Sydney Jackson for a share of the glory. He missed out on achieving his aim of a single-digit handicap by the close of the season. Jacko’s game was fair average quality and it is fair to mention his undoubted jet-lag after flying in from the NSW capital for the event.

Macca had 48 off the stick thanks to a series of nice approaches but was let down by three missed putts under half a metre that Ronzo would have given to any other club member. The Pacecracker combined his reasonable score and a healthy handicap of 14 (according to Jacko’s principle of only using strokes to score points) for a +5 and his sixth win of the 2013-14 season.

Have you noticed that Ronzo’s golf hasn’t cracked a mention yet? The Senior Chalk lost more balls than a castrato but still pipped Walks who, with his 11 handicap, ended up an honourable NAGA.
A fine last outing for 2013-14 at GBWGC’s home course.

Results:
1st: Macca (+5)
2nd: Tom (+2)
3rd: Jacko (+1)
NTP: Steve
LD: Walks
NAGA: Walks
Apres Putting: Jacko had to play with himself

. . . . and unusually Ronzo didn't crack a mention in the results!
NOTE: the following handicaps are based on an adjusted Par equivalent score.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014
4 Ball Better Ball, Wembley (Tuart Course)
HANDICAPPERS TROPHY

It was finally back to Royal Wembley despite the best (or worst) efforts of the on-line booking system. Anticipation of 8 players was thwarted at the post as Squancey got "the call" at the critical hour. But Jacko the golfing guru solved the problem of an uneven number, and created a club first – play a "Swinger". He then proceeded to solve the problem of who that would be by being it himself! What's a swinger? It's someone who plays on two teams - simple! And if that wasn't entertainment enough, it was obvious that the permanent presence of the President-elect amongst us with that inimitable sense of humour was creating a refreshing buzz, particularly with his ribald jokes between the youngest and oldest members of the group (and that's all I'm saying!). And so, after Ronzo drew Walks as a playing partner AND congratulated him on his last weeks performance, it was off to the 10th on Tuart with SA/GM v GW/RA and TJ/CJ v RD/CJ - simple!

A walk at Wembley

• As Macca modestly reports. . . The mighty GWW (Ghost Who Wallops) started brilliantly after announcing he was feeling nice and loose! In fact, the opposition were demanding a drug test on Walks and Ronzo after the first three holes. GWW's great drives, accurate approaches and chips and pretty sound putting were frighteningly good. Ronzo, his partner in crime, was equally deft, and the young bull and the old bull lagged far behind. Steve was the only scorer for the Bulls in the first four holes. Meanwhile Walks chipped in for a devastating birdie on the 12th, followed by his partner Ronzo with a chip-in par. The Walker wheels loosened a little after two great shots on the par five 13th up the hill and the Bulls-hitters started the long charge back into the game. In fact the three Big Hitters - GWW, Chalk 1 and Chalk 2 started to go a little astray to the right on their drives and the dainty little drives of Macca, together with some good approaches and a 14 handicap, saw the start of his 15 points in the last five holes. Bull one and Bull two teamed up well while Chalk 1 and G2 couldn't believe they were caught, then beaten by four points in aggregate though they played the better golf;
• Everyone in the swinger's group was immediately out of the blocks, particularly the Little Master who lit up a fag and lit up the course earning 8 points for his team after just three holes. Dalbs was urging his partner to greater heights, then realising in a moment of clarity that his partner's points would also boost TLMs. What to do? Suddenly TLM drifted off course, wiped a hole, Dalbs scored and both teams were tied. "Come on partner" said Swinger to TLM "lift your game!" (Whose side was swinger on?). Dalbs then mashed his short game, wiped and TLM was back. Then TLM wiped and Dalbs was back with swinger chugging consistently along and it was again tied with two to play. Dalbs' second into the 17th green set up a birdie chance while TLM, with an extra stroke, was in a spot of bother. Eureka – Dalbs got 3 points, TLM 2 and the RD/CJ combo was a point in front with one to play "Good on ya Dalbs" said swinger "We make a great combination" (Is this swingers way of backing a winner?). All TLM had to do to put the contest beyond doubt was par the 18th for 4 points – and the Little Bu__er did! Swinger was all smiles (after wiping the hole) as he strode off arm around TLM and singing the praises of his magnificent partner, while Dalbs trudged off a forlorn figure without a partner.

Everyone enjoyed the course and the event even though the workers had to rush off after the game leaving South of the River stayers Jackson and Walker to wallow in their flat whites . . .

Results:
1st: Steve/Macca (25)
2nd: Little Master/Jacko (22)
3rd: Dalbs/Jacko (21)
NTP: Steve
LD: Jacko
NAGA: Walks/Ronzo
Birdie: Walks (12th)

Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Stableford, Hamersley

It was action morning. The front nine was closed for maintenance and a queue had already developed on our hallowed ground delaying our start. The GBW workers were relieved when our two Captain's debated a change from Stroke to Stableford to speed things up and Scobes finally decided we would. We then watched in wonder at Macca's sprint to the clubhouse to pay. After Ronzo assured us Steve was too busy to play, that unmistakeable rumble suddenly appeared in the car park and, just as quickly, rumbled off again. Seems Steve had come from work (now that's the stuff GBW is made of), was informed of the queue and duly sprinted back to the office.

One day in March

• He's back – with that smooth swing that also serves as a back scratcher

  The three wise workers were first to fire. Ronzo set the scene with a crashing drive followed by Squancey who used his "Ku Klux Klan"© Driver to belt it down the middle. Then came the moment – after 5 1/2 years as a statistical journeyman, The Little Master was back home and his first action was to also belt it down the middle. What a start. Seems Ronzo was the only one able to maintain that rage, slowing his swing down and hitting tee shots about where he aimed. Sank some long putts, didn't disturb the neighbours and thoroughly enjoyed his best day out this season. Haunted by a ghost at the end. TLM was just happy to hit a beauty off the 10th and to be back amongst the fold. Was coming good by the last two holes, some fine shots notching par on the testy 17th. Squancey had "a shocker" – it just wasn't his day and, by the 17th, the frustration saw a stick-shaped object with a head on it sailing gracefully through the ether;
• Walks started innocuously enough apart from those BIG drives, one on the 11th sailing over the workers by 30 meters (TLM ducking), but was wayward off the fairways and had 6 points after 4. Something awoke the sleeping giant and he pelted and belted his way to the green, chipped nicely, sank his putts and went only 2 over (and 16 points) from 14 to 18. Even had the temerity, after driving on the 18th into the right trees, to say "I've got enough points - I'll have a go" (at threading the ball thru the eye of the needle of trees in front of him) and, of course, succeeded well. Macca and Dalbs were going tit for tat, though Macca was proving the more consistent, 2-pointing 7 holes in easy fashion and 1 point up on Dalbs going to the 18th. Dalbs already had a 4-point hole, a wipe and several dribbling points and desperately needed a miracle on the last. It came with par and another 4 points after putting (badly) for birdie. Scobes had a day to forget. It was the army golf of a battalion of amputees . . . left, left, left. Never seen him behind so many trees. Macca suggested this be the Match Play Final round but Scobes couldn't hear from his position behind yet another tree. He's taking next week off to regroup.
  ©TLM

Results:
1st: Walks (22)
2nd: Ronzo (20)
3rd: Dalbs (17)
NTP: No takers (after 14 attempts!)
LD: Dalbs
NAGA: Scobes
Birdie: Dalbs (11th)

Monday, March 3, 2014
Stableford, Secret Harbour
NOT THE BURSWOOD TROPHY and
MATCH PLAY FINAL

One of the favourite courses for many and it didn't let us down – just turned us around. Since our last outing here, the outward nine was now inward and the inward outward (so to speak). A modest 5 players, but it's the quality that counts. And it was the maiden outing for the Not The Burswood Trophy, not that anyone knew what the Trophy was not about. As the outing came to an end, however, the winner of the ultimate Burswood Trophy event formed a clever yet devious plan to present a "Not the Burswood Trophy" but we'll have to wait until Walker's Windup to savour it. And so we leapt on board for 18 holes followed by a comforting and copious lunch.

The wash-up

• MATCH PLAY FINAL. It was a classic clash of two bulls in this season’s Match Play Final at Secret Harbour. The old bull, Macca, had overcome Steve, and on a technicality, Jacko, to make the final. The young bull, Denno, had beaten no-show Litts, Walks, then Dalbs to set up the challenge. Low quality golf was the theme of the day as Macca took an early lead with an eight on the first hole to shade Denno’s nine. Probably the less said about the rest of the game the better but with three holes to go Macca led by two holes. Dennis got serious, got one back, then when Macca missed a two foot putt on the ninth, Denno had drawn the match. A lengthy discussion on resolving the bovine deadlock led to an historic agreement to play on into the second nine – because they could! By the twelfth hole the valiant Denno wrested a clear lead and earned a famous victory. His celebratory bellow was heard throughout the Secret Harbour village – Denno one up after twelve! CONGRATULATIONS DENNO ON YOUR THIRD MATCH PLAY WIN!;
• Squancey was fresh from sleeping in a tent, at Waroona, and came straight from there to play – I'm serious! Well he certainly took to the outdoors at Secret Harbour. Not having played the course before, playing the inward outward meant nothing to him, though he took 9 holes to really warm up. Rattled on 14 points on 10th to 14th with some fine all round golf including cracking good drives (note the LDs). Got the wobbles until coach Dalby set him straight and came home with pars on the final two holes for 21 points and 35 for the day. I suspect he'll be playing the Harbour again. Dalbs and Walks shared a buggy and a love/hate relationship with the course – loved the magnificent views, classic holes and generous lunch; hated the dense bush, thick scrub and copious sand. For Dalbs, that timeless Nick Faldo swing was mainly just a memory but did appear from time-to-time only to be frustrated by that timeless hapless short game. Walks, meanwhile, was either "Sydney or the bush" (or the sand). Still knocked some missiles way down the middle and his iron over the lake pin high on the par 3 17th was a cracker. But, in-between, smacked his fair share into bunkers (perfecting the first shot bouncing back off the bunker face and settling in his own divot) or into that THICK grass, the results of his attempts to get out creating the appearance of a neatly mown lawn. Not a good day for these two tyros.

Results:
1st: Squancey (35)
2nd: Macca (32)
3rd: Scobes (28)
NTPs: Scobes; Squancey
LDs: Squancey (x 2)
NAGA: Walks

Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Stableford, Hamersley

Great Expectations permeated the morning group as the Match Play Final loomed . . . . until Macca announced that Scobes had come up with a Dickens of an excuse for his non-appearance (something to do with feelings of rejection following Macca's email recruiting drive). The atmosphere quickly perked up with the appearance of the Club Master and the Little Master who generously distributed a trinket featuring images of the GBWGC South Asia Clubhouse and a local caddy . . . . . Eight cheerful players on a perfect morning for golf.

Highs and Lows

• The first group sailed away with four near perfect drives. JACKO capitalised with par and continued to maintain the rage with some precision golf – only 2 over after 7 holes!! – before some wobbly moments coming home but still amassed 22 points. DALBS had consulted his Nick Faldo "How to" bible and had a swing theory. Bugger me if it didn't work – at least on 7 holes for 3 over, including a birdie on the 11th. Matched Jacko for points – just finished a little better for a countback win. STEVE fired some mighty missiles off the tee, his drive on the 10th only 60 metres from the green! Careered thru' the first five holes at only 2 over (including a birdie) and 13 points. Mistakenly grabbed the scatter iron a few times on the home stretch adding a few too many extra shots at the expense of points but injected his trademark missile off the 18th to easily notch a LD win. RONZO was exceedingly kind, saving his AAAARRRGGHHH's until he was well clear of neighbourhood houses. Also crunched some big tee shots, one or two even going straight! Murdered a few trees getting to the green and pounded a few putts past the hole. Not having the best of seasons but drives a mean buggy;
• MACCA was Steve's antithesis – had trouble getting off the tee except for the LD hole where he spanked his team mates good and proper. Had a slow start but finally made up for tee troubles with good play around and on the greens (as he does). LITTS almost birdied the 10th in a lightening start and, in typical style, just moseyed along picking up pars and sat just 4 over after 7. Put up the red flag as he tired (needs more golf?) over the final two holes but still showed that inimitable style despite a lack of game time. SQUANCEY DID start with a birdie (his 4th for the season!) but the glee was short-lived. Took 5 extra shots over the next 2 holes before starting to settle back into scoring mode with 11 points over the final 4 holes. Sort of a "bit all over the place" round but still gathered 20 points. LITTLE MASTER was welcomed back into the bosom of the club. From early March he'll be more permanently attached to the bosom (better not go there). Showed glimpses of all of his silky golfing skills but had trouble putting it all together. Didn't affect that appealing sense of humour though. Watch out for this tyro once he makes a clean breast of his eastern seaboard commitments.

Intrigue reined about the "beard" scarified onto the front of each green.

Results:
1st: Dalbs (22) on countback from . . .
2nd: Jacko (22)
3rd: Squancey (20)
NTP: Jacko
LD: Sizzling Steve
NAGA: Ronzo – on countforward from the Little Master

Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Stableford, Sea View
SEA VIEW CHAMPIONSHIP TROPHY

A new course and both a new Major and trophy (by Executive decree) greeted six players on a fine cool morning. Curiosity won as we all gazed upon a pedestal and mystery object thereon draped ceremoniously in the Aussie flag. It was enough to build up a thirst for victory and Ronzo even quenched those with a selection of iced coffee (including a double shot) and sundry other flavours. Course in mostly good nick, although some of the initial greens were rough to say the least.

Anatomy of a round

• Cub reporter Scobes observed . . . Well, it might have been designated group 1, but the quality of golf was far from 1st class. WALKS started well, after 3 holes having ‘amassed’ 4 points, which may have been more than the other 5 starters combined to that point. Things still looked OK when his drive on the 5th finished 2 cm short of the greenside bunker – struggled in for a 2. Having been just off the green for 2 on the difficult 6th it looked like big points were beckoning . . . a “Dalby School of Chipping” effort saw the ball progress 3 metres.  A similar attempt saw the ball almost get on but roll backwards into a bunker. All was lost

  Ronzo tucked under a hazard	Scobes smack in the face

  when the bunker exit turned into a towering 120 metre wedge which landed 2 fairways away!  After that it was a real struggle. RON had one of those days. When he missed the fairway (frequently), his ball would invariably locate itself somewhere difficult (see photo). It must have been the spectacular surroundings that kept him in good spirits, because his golf game sure as hell was not helping.  All that aside, Ron managed to pull off a manoeuvre which will surely go down in the GBWGC annals. While travelling the 20 metres from the 5th green to the 6th tee he suddenly dropped out of site, literally! Up he bobbed again, after unexpectedly driving his cart through a bunker! SCOBES was heard to say on a few occasions, “I’m starting to hit the ball quite well again”. The statistical evidence for that was not showing up on the scorecard however. Six 1 pointers is not much of a basis for a decent score. An early breakfast was called for on the 3rd, after a towering 8 iron from 120m made this tasty poached egg in the face of the bunker (see photo). . . .1 metre from perfection!;

• The "easy" Par 3 5th proved to be Squancey's master this time around

  MACCA was not taking kindly to the course. Despite over 30 previous appearances at Sea View, the experience counted for nought as he wavered over the first three holes for just 2 points. At the picturesque Par 3 4th, Dalbs then Squancey massaged their tee shots onto the green – "no pressure Macca". Our cockiness sparked a Lazarus explosion, Macca caressing his (golf) ball to within a metre of the pin. Just missed the putt but the momentum was unstoppable. Chipped and putted immaculately for 14 points over the last 6, but never entertained the thought of winning. Was so distracted, he left his glasses behind in the golf cart (they're much travelled). SQUANCEY is renowned for his fluent drives but his initial attempts were more effluent. Got them back to fluent and then struggled in places with the sometimes motley greens. By the 6th, he'd steadied the ship, pulled up anchor and sailed home with some fine golf for 9 of his 15 points. DALBS started with the traditional wipe on the 1st and never looked back, or forward – mostly sideways as that not-so-delicate fade off the tee and off some fairways kicked in. Scored solidly early until reaching the beachside holes then got totally distracted by the plethora of skin-tight leggings strutting the foreshore and went to jelly – but still managed a third!!

Results:
1st: Mighty Macca (16)
2nd: Squancey (15)
3rd: Dalbs (13 – believe it or not)
NTP: Macca
LD: Squancey
NAGA: Ronzo

Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Stroke, Hamersley
CLUB CHAMPIONSHIP - Round 2

A gloriously clear, cool morning for golf. No storm threatening (though one was about to hit) and little breeze. Steve made a grand entrance, the deep throaty rumble of the Merc replaced by quiet confidence on the tee. The halfway leader was the pinnacle of relaxation (as usual) and Scobes was sharpening up his chips. Squancey was next as the optimistic Ventyx tag-team effort to take the title. After generously allowing a group of lads to play through, the round was underway.

Brief highlights:

• The final putt about to drop on a great final round

  A few flashy drives, irons and putts but, after 4 holes, the big trio were 5 (Walks) or more over the card and only two shots separating them. "Dammit", said Walks "I going to show these pretenders who's the champ" and proceeded to run riot. Cracking drives, long straight irons and hole-seeking putts and he started with a birdied 14th, collected 2 pars, played the last 5 holes just 1 over, and generally gave his playing partners the "shell-grits". "Bugger" said Steve as he battled to get his drives straight off the tee; "Bother" said Scobes as he meandered around the course and the bush. But it was Walks's Championship in record winning style – a mere 13 shots clear of second. CONGRATULATIONS fella on a superb innings (net 61!!), a maiden Championship win and a record winning margin;
• Squancey tag-teamed with Jacko and was immediately into rhythm, sashaying along to a 5-time beat (6 holes with that score) and impressing with his hard, straight drives and deadly one-putts to grab a birdie (yet again) and finish only 7 shots over. (The Ventyx team amassed a net 68 but still 7 shots shy.) Ronzo and Dalbs continued their hit (insufficient fairways) and miss (the good times) golf, punctuated by their signature "tune" – an AAAAAGGGGHHHH or two; and just one little club chuck. Macca knew the odds of winning were small, so he plugged for the consistency award and was quite successful – two 42's. It was just THAT sort of fortnight.

Championship and Round champions

Results:
Club Champion: Graham Walker – BRILLIANT!
Round winners:
1st: Phabulous Phantom (29)
2nd: Squancey (30)
3rd: Scobes (38)
NTP: Walks
LD: Walks
NAGA: Macca
Birdies: Walks (14th); Squancey (15th)

Club Championship – Final Results

Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Stroke, Hamersley
CLUB CHAMPIONSHIP - Round 1

It was time again to "joust" for an early spot on the 1st tee to kick off the 2014 Club Championship. It was a no-contest really – the 'oldies' obviously don't sleep - they'd staked a claim before our first arrival had stifled his first yawn. The confidence circulating around the first tee was palpable, particularly Mighty Mo who laughed off any suggestion that a serious contender lurked in our ranks. And just to prove it, he watched three of the first four flush their drives way left or way, way right.

Brief highlights:

• The defending champ offering the ball some good advice: "Go in you bastard"

  Working off Hamersley score cards, all were keen to re-index the front nine and brains and pens were in top gear . . . until the sudden realisation that it was Stroke;
• Our two halfway front-runners had similar "fluffy" starts. Walks meandered around for two double bogeys and then . . KAZAAM . . those monstrous drives kicked in and some fancy irons and some straight putts and he cruised over the remaining 7 holes just 5 over. Sizzler also misfired early (two triple bogeys!), needing some bushwalking to get the blood flowing. And then . . SHAZAM . . things really hit the fan as this mighy golfing tyro sizzled over the remaining 6 holes just 1 over including 3 pars and a birdie;
• Our defending champ sent shivers as he sank a long putt from green edge on the second and sat just 1 over. Then took an instant dislike to the par 5's and triple bogeyed both. A round littered with compass problems, the ball meandering sometimes uncontrollably;
• Jacko and Ronzo just couldn't get the flow going consistently, coming collectively agonizingly close to getting par on at least one hole (Jacko managed it the once) and sit just 6 shots off the pace;
• KK1 and KK2 kept true to their "Band of Brothers" creedo: Credo in unum Deum, Patrem omnipoténtem, factorem cæli et terræ, visibílium ómnium et invisibílium. which roughly translates as "Don't try too hard in the big events or your omnipotence will be reduced to invisibility". And so it proved as their try hard efforts went unrewarded.

Leader Board at Halfway:
32 – Phantom
34 – Sizzler
37 – Just a Mo
38 – SydneySider
38 – AAAAGGGHHHH
39 – Chupa Chips
42 – Barista

Note: All Consistency and Masters points held over until after the Champs are complete

Results to be offically recorded:
NTP:Steve
LD: Steve
NAGA: Macca

Tuesday, January 27, 2014
Stableford, Joondalup Resort
JOONDALUP CLASSIC

Big sighs of relief as the day promised cool, overcast weather for the running of the 4th Joondalup Classic. Defending champion Squancey was tip-toeing around with nervous tension while Steve was stuck to the wall looking decidedly pale and imploring conversation to be in whispers. The Ronzo "best course in Western Australia" was looking as superb and as daunting as ever while the affable course marshall ensured a seamless trot to the first Quarry tee in Ronzo's gayly adorned carts. Greens seemed uncharacteristically slow.

A typically GBWGC patriotic tribute to Australia Day and Indian Republic Day

Highlights:

• Steve gave a slight inkling of things to come with a mighty wallop off the first that went bunker-bound, sizzling into it and exiting just as quickly. Managed the feat more than once but also landed resolutely in others. One was very worthy of note after bouncing off a limestone cliff and landing in the sand 150m or more from home. Shut his eyes, prayed and landed a mighty iron shot just a foot from the pin for birdie and 5 points! Continued the powerful drives and irons and danced the putts in, one at least a 14 metre bomb that earned him another birdie and 4 points. Despite his "delicate' condition, only hiccuped twice - wiping 2 holes on the back (Dune) 9 bit still amassed 41 points! Thankfully Jacko drove the buggy!

• Another picturesque hole driven straight by Jacko under the watchful eye of "Sizzler"	Macca getting the pace of the greens under two watchful eyes

  Steve's chauffeur had an uncharacteristically slow start – might've been the intoxicating fumes – struggling over Quarry with two wipes and 12 points. Sobered up over Dunes with that steady tee-to-green form and 20 points to shake off the NAGA prospect.
• Dalbs and Walks made up the foursome. Walks was the standout, belting some of the longest and straightest drives witnessed at the club – at least 5 or 6 around the 230m and one reaching 270m! Just couldn't finish off some good starts, striking trouble around the greens and quite a few rocks – his 2nd into a rock pile; drop a ball; back into the rock pile the pick of the bunch. Dalbs was just puttering along, pleased with his chipping but 3-putted too many greens.
• The second group contributed the most podium posers – Macca and Ronzo. They shared remarkably similar rounds – , both driving reasonably well, Macca excelling in approaches to the green and Ronzo excelling in the AAAAAGGGHHHHH stakes to both record a creditable 47 off-the-stick for 19 and 18 points respectively over Quarry. Found the going a tad tougher on Dune each wiping two holes and totting up 16 points. Defending champ Squancey couldn't seem to find his rhythm. Looked everywhere but just as it seemed in his grasp, opportunities went begging. There were flashes of his true form but, by the time he'd settled (10 points over the last 4 holes), the proverbial had bolted.

Postscript: Steve hit 45 off-the-stick over quarry and was but 4 over for 7 of the 9 Dune holes – yep, he wiped two and still got 41 points. All one can say about Steve's performance is: "Next time I'll have what he's having".

Results:
1st: Sizzling Steve (41)
2nd: Macca (35)
3rd: Ronzo (34) YABADABADOO again!!
NTPs: Dalbs/Steve
LDs: Ronzo/Walks
NAGA: Walks

Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Par, Hamersley

The tee-off times are starting to ease out with Father Time predicting a 5.17 start. Our five starters, in a quality field, were at the blocks and ready to fire, but . . . . no pro show! Time was ticking and Ronzo was loaded and ready to launch. Let's go was the cry and . . . BANG . . . another mighty missile disappeared 200 and something metres down the middle. This guy was seriously intent on a win. We all tried the same, with varying degrees of success, and then came the sound of doors creaking open and the sight of lights blinking on. With a wise head well beyond his years, Macca held back and was last seen being sucked along by the throng all wanting to pay at the same time. He reappeared having stolen a march on the seething mob and it was into the task of trying to understand and score Par.

Highlights:

• Never let a Pink Pat get in the way of a good round . . . and Squancey was taking no prisoners, though his ball appeared to be (taken prisoner that is)

  Mighty Mo was at it from the start, going par, par, bogey, par to be +3 – and that's how he finished. In the interim, took a dislike to the longest par 4 and longest par 5 but got one of his two counterpunches on the longest par 3 by birdying it. A round punctuated with some fine fairway shots, an Eclectic boost and his maiden season win!;
• Ronzo proved to be the bogey man which earned him a welcomed return to the podium. Bogeyed 7 of the 9 holes striking some blistering drives and fairway shots in the process but still intent on letting a few trees know that he's around. Form was good enough that his commendably quiet progress allowed the neighbourhood to sleep in a bit;
• Dalbs and Squancey were thereabout for most of the trip – Dalbs there off the tee to the right; Squancey about too many metres off the tee to the left. Funny how the bush and trees look remarkably the same either side and equally frustrating to get out of. But the boys fought all the way, determined to at least finish square with the card, and wishes do come true. Squancey didn't let anything get in the way of his quest . . .;
• Macca, undoubtedly thwarted by the rush-around pre-game, couldn't get the whirling dervish going early and went -2 after 2 holes. Fought back well, only dropping one more hole, his short game and never-say-die temperament again a feature as was his drive on the 18th!
  

Results:
1st: Scobes (+3)
2nd: Ronzo (+1) YABADABADOO!!
3rd: Dalbs (square) on countback from . . .Squancey
NTP: Ronzo
LD: Macca
NAGA: Macca
Apres golf: Not contested. Kitty is $3.20.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Stableford, Hamersley
PRESIDENT'S TROPHY

Brilliant morning to swing the hickory and belt the featherie - cool with no breeze. It was the sixth running of the President's Trophy and, as Scobes so eloquently noted "As luck would have it, only one President turned up". Squancey was a notable absentee while Dalbs seemed outwardly calm as the defending Trophy winner. It only remained for the President to ceremonially belt the ball down the 10th and he dutifully and jokingly obliged . . . .

Highlights:

• Perhaps all else faded into obscurity with the pre-game Presidential announcement of a true milestone – JACKO'S 100th GAME! Some events capture the imagination like no other and this was no exception, though the statistical challenge of keeping track of the numbers for such an extended eon of time was also a feat worthy of unbridled praise;
• The trophy benefactor started slowly, 5 over after four holes as specks of rust littered the tees. Suddenly "Dainty" turned to "really having a go", unleashing unLittle-like drives aided by a ripper ("they never happen to me") Little bounce (or two) and the man careered home only 2 strokes over for the last five holes and not a maintenance person in sight to interfere with his exhilarating play. Scobes appeared to relax after the pressures of Match Play the previous week and his scores, or lack of them, over the outward six belied his talents. Inspired by Litts, bounced back strongly (and you should see him bounce) just enought to avoid the NAGA. Brother Steve, refreshed after a bountiful fishing trip North (1 red and 1 black snapper to prove it), was the model of consistency. Apart from the first hole, you've never seen a more boring card, but hey, boring is beautiful if you're in the hunt for a win. And Ronzo started in a rage over the first 4 holes. The 14th started the rot but he captured everyones' imagination on the 15th with two lost balls yet still managing a point after sinking a fifty foot putt. Lost another two balls, played "my best golf all year" but still didn't play to handicap (and just avoided the NAGA);
• In the following group, most of the entertainment was provided by the 100-game veteran. Started like a house on fire (oops) par'ing the first three holes. Hit the wall on the 13th and the trees/bushes/etc. down the 14th – more like "Tennis" golf . . . .

  Leyton Jackson at the Aussie Open
  Backhand	Backhand	Forehand

  which witnessed two of the best successive backhanders played at the club. Recovered somewhat after that but still snatched the NAGA despite such sensational play. Macca didn't catch any fish (though groper does come to mind!) but he mirrored Brother Steve's effort on the scoreboard. A very consistent effort also, apart from the first hole (also) and is getting off the the tee generally well and remains deadly with the putter (he was needed at the Apres). Walks ran hot (with those massive drives and thumping irons) and cold (his pitch was a bit black and some putts ran out of puff) but still continued to par the hardest hole and collect that 4 point reward to play to his lower handicap. And then there was the sleeper – cuddling up to his 13 handicap and with the audacity to somehow be only two over after 5 holes and fourteen points in the bank. In true Ripley tradition, his success was due in no small part to his "rubbery" short game that magically clicked (in the main) to finish completely out of character and with a revised handicap whose shape bears a striking resemblance to his legs.
  

In the interest of fast play, Litts was keen to "finish at least a fairway in front of the second group". It prompted a query from Scobes "Can you define fair way - is five strokes enough!" (Boom Boom)

Results:
1st: Dalbs (22 points)
2nd: Litts (19) on countback from . . .
3rd: Steve (19) . . . AND Macca
NTP: Jacko
LD: Walks
NAGA: Jacko
Apres golf: Scobes bounced again and took the $15 jackpot from stiff opposition (after Rigor Mortis set in).

Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Stableford, Hamersley
MATCH PLAY Semi Finals

Another superb morning for golf as five GBW boys staked their rightful position at the head of the 10th tee queue. And just as well, as the queue began to swell; for the word was all but – the front nine was shut. In any case, the general announcement that Dalbs and Scobes were to engage in a titanic Match Play tussle was also proving an attraction. The sense of occasion was all too much for Walks who made his first appearance in 2014 out of uniform – he was quickly dispatched to the tee to fire the first shot and disappear into the gloom before too many people noticed.

Highlights:

• The Big W, hyped up by copious amounts of fresh Carnarvon mangoes and bananas, started with his traditional mighty tonk into the left rough. Things stayed fairly rough for the first two holes (a couple of book-end 8's for no points) during which the sugar fix wore off and he could settle into a game-changing rhythm. Some impressive golf saw him play the next 7 holes in only 5 shots over (shudder) and an impressive 20 points. [Ed: "I'll have what he's having"];
• Walks' partner for the day, Squancey, was out snapping at the heels early with an impressive first four holes for 10 points. Inexplicably flagged over the next three (for just 2 points) before Walks, in a display of raw emotion, slipped him a mango and the effect was immediate – 6 points over the closing 2 holes. Ah what could've been!;

• Macca caught sizing up Scobes' winning form

  Macca's cunning knows no bounds. After delaying his appearance on the tee by volunteering to pay-before-we-play, he donned the mantle of referee for the Dalbs/Scobes Match Play. Took mental notes of the strengths and weaknesses of these two – Dalbs stretching the brains ability to remember so many weaknesses – while still managing to putter along almost playing to handicap. As an MP Grand Finalist, threw in a couple of "topped" fairway shots in an attempt to put the others into a false sense of security but his relative consistency off the tee and consistent putting showed his true ability;
• Scobes vs Dalbs: Only one shot separated their handicaps so it was hit-for-hit until the 18th. Dalbs just couldn't hit straight off the tee, fairway shots were going left and putts wouldn't go long enough and straight enough and the boy was in all sorts of trouble against an opponent who was straight off the tee, relatively straight off the fairway, chipped in deadly style and putted to near perfection. The situation was diabolical for Dalbs with a place in the Grand Final rapidly evaporating. And so we moved on to the 11th hole. Nothing changed – not even Dalbs' temperament (for a change) – as Scobes continued on his merry way mostly 1 over par with wonderfully consistent golf. It was all over after the 15th, Scobes recording a crushing 4 and 3 win, while Dalbs magically resurrected, scoring 8 of his 16 points over the last three holes (as Scobes would say: "Go figure") aided by a record number of Little bounces – three on the last hole!

BIG thank you to the capless one who selflessly shared his sugar fix source – the most magnificent Carnarvon mangoes.

Results:
1st: Walks (20 points)
2nd: Squancey (18) on countback from . . .
3rd: Scobes (18)
NTP: Squancey
LD: Squancey
NAGA: Dalbs
Apres golf: Not played. Kitty now stands at $11.40.

Friday, December 27, 2013
Stableford, Peninsula
VISITORS DAY

It's the event that marks (roughly) the halfway mark in the season and opens the door for family and friends to join the lofty heights of GBW for a fleeting fixture. On the coolest Visitor's Day on record, we welcomed one of Daddy Scoble's "little" boys Dan and Macca's all-sports (now including fathership) son to the 1st tee. Peninsula was in good nick, the trees seemingly taller and thicker (and proving to be more than just 90% air) and we even copped a very light dusting of precipitation. Just a perfect morning for golf.

Highlights:

• The first group were to ultimately provide the majority of winning calibre golfers. That persistent little bugger with the consistent little swing was setting a consistent pace, consistent with his 19/19 points to win the day by one shot. Mo trimmed, chest puffed out and wearing the correct coloured shirt, Daddy Scoble was intent on showing son how to stealthily club the ball inconspicuously around a golf course a give the podium a nudge. Took him a while to build up momentum though – 16 points going out, but rampaging home with 21 (like a 21 year-old, apparently). Jacko was a bit out of sorts and out of those languidly straight shots to struggle in uncharacteristic fashion, though it must be observed that he was often hitting into turbulance created by the massive tonks of partner, Driver Dan. Dan had obviously rested over the Xmas period and had energy to burn. Used it to launch some pretty fierce projectiles off the tee and fairways and could've done some severe damage on the card except . . . that bl__dy short stick!
• The second group were graced with the presence of that golfing (basketballing, footballing, etc.) journeyman, Andrew "Pop" McLennan, fresh from appearances at the Aussie Masters and Aussie PGA. Was a little overcome by fatherhood and being in the heady company of the GBW membership. Nonetheless displayed his latent talents with some withering woods and irons (even if a tad offline at times), some deft chipping (sinking a 40m one from off the green) and keen putts. As his fellow golfers looked on in awe, Macca was heard to mutter "That'd be right son, show me up why don't yer" as he swivelled and swatted his way along but still enjoying a jaunty stroll in the park. Nose jutting out from under his wide-brimmed hat, Dalbs was thinking to himself "That'd be right Andy, show me up why don't yer" as he struggled to get off the tee and, when he did, confessed to enjoy playing down the adjacent fairway but not enjoying trying to find a way back to the fairway through those masses of trees. The Little Master was more circumspect, overheard saying to Andy "Now, son, a talent like you requires a top flite (tho' I confess to using Callaways) manager. Here's my card. Give me a call", and proceeded to show his young protege how to collect 35 points and join the winners podium.

Dan Scoble – The power that secured 2 Long Drive wins and 3 cancelled QANTAS flights	"Now Andy, this is how you do it" . . .	. . . and thus was born the human missile launcher

It was a greatly enjoyed morning with something for everyone and summer weather to die for, or perhaps stay alive for and do it all again next year.

Results:
1st: Squancey (38 points)
2nd: Scobes (37)
3rd: Little Master (35)
Visitors: Dan S, 34; Andrew McL, 31
NTP: Andrew McL, Macca McL
LD: Driver Dan (x 2)!
NAGA: Macca McL
Birdies: Andrew McL (7th); Little Master Blaster (18th).

Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Stableford, Hamersley
CHRISTMAS CUP

Highlights abounded at the playing of the popular Christmas Cup, but the two most notable were the birthdays of Ronzo (the day of the Cup) and Scobes (on the 19th). CONGRATULATIONS boys – and best wishes for many more. Today's celebrity did the honours with a mighty heave - only outdone on the 19th hole by the eventual winner. Great to see Squancey back in town as he sauntered in unexpectedly to make up eight contesting the (cracked) mug.

Highlights:

• Balloons have nothing on the amount of inflation in the handicap of today's winner, though his dismal effort on the first seemed to confirm his rating and make the scorer's job easy. Suddenly sprang to life with consecutive pars and, via the right rough off the tees, managed to score reasonably consistently to just nudge ahead at the finishing post;
• Squancey took four holes to shake off the dust and duffs and scream home with 15 points over the final 5 holes (par on the 18th for 4 points) to grab second spot;
• Walks did something completely unexpected – scored on every hole. Rammed home the advantage with his usual par on the hardest 18th for 4 points. May have clinched the mug with a straighter, longer putt or two;
• Steve had a reasonably consistent round but took a dislike to the par 3s, only one point earned. Still came home with a wet sail but the par 3s did him in;
• Ronzo and Litts were the models of consistency (apparently). Though Litts was more orthodox in his approach, Ronzo did meander thru' some forest and down an adjacent fairway but both avoided a "wipe" and played exactly to their handicap;
• Macca and Scobes started in similar vein - they never did like that 11th hole and proved it today with wipes. Macca's week off seemed to have put his nose out of joint and he struggled a bit on the longer holes. Scobes' newly found pull shot (watching too much test cricket at the WACA) ran hot and cold but seemingly more hot as he meandered a bit thru' bush making getting to the green a difficult task. The one to watch now that he's got a NAGA out of the way!

The much awaited breakfast was brilliantly organised by chef Pat and her "dead" eggs. Everyone hoed into the bacon and egg sandwiches (Steve held the egg), orange juice and coffee except . . . where was Dalbs? Sweating and fanning himself profusely in the adjacent bar, he was then seen dashing to the Men's, reappearing considerably lighter and unable to look breakfast in the eye. The whole unsavoury process at least earned him entry into the exclusive Chuck Chunder Club founded by the one and only other member, Macca. The morning concluded with a speech from the President. His sage and glowing words about the season so far and how well the club is progressing was, as always, eagerly awaited and the room fell deathly quiet. Without a hint of notes to help, he launched into it, the content of which is reproduced in full . . .

Our sentiments exactly.

Results:
1st: Dalbs (20 points)
2nd: Squancey (19) on countback from . . .
3rd: Walks (19) . . . and Steve
NTP: Dalbs
LD: Steve
NAGA: Scobes
Apres golf: Not played.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Par, Hamersley

The new starting arrangements were in – we could all sleep in that bit longer. At the starting gate, Macca had his nose in everything except being able to play, but did his champion bit by nicking our money and paying up once the Pro Shop eventually opened (our first introduction and the pro was running late!). After ground staff requested we wait for 20 minutes while the sprinklers watered in the wettasoil they'd just sprayed, Scobes carefully explained the Par scoring system with a Stableford analogy (which seemed to lose the Allardices) and Walks and Steve sprayed off the tee at 5.15 a.m. which also had the effect of warding off the group behind who were keen to go off in front of us.

Highlights:

• Walks may have had to score for Steve, but the Man of Iron treated Par with total contempt. Established his +3 winning score after only four holes and was just 3 shots over the card. Quite a form reversal as the familiar big hitting, putt-dancing Steve began to reappear. Only dropped one hole in a welcome reappearance to the podium. Even won the chat-off after being chatted by ground staff for being where they were – until Steve pointed out it was ground staff who gave the permission to tee-off!;
• The wayward Walks was still a little to-and-fro but did enough to square the first four holes. Struck trouble and the trees over the middle stretch before breezing home with a wet sail, including a par on the 18th, to remain square.

• A cosy three drives on the 18th (but they didn't catch Walks)

  Scobes was at a loss – his well-practiced slice had inexplicably given way to a finely manicured pull shot. Plagued him over the first four holes – 7 over the card and -2. Suddenly the magic Jeannie (Macca's influence) cast a spell and the straight drive and sharp short game were back. Three pars, only two over and +4 for the final 5 holes and Scobes had stormed into contention;
• Ronzo's getting there – there were some towering drives, soaring irons, pitching with touch and potential putting which saw him 8 over after 8. Just the one bad hole (he was very philosophical) and his NAGA ambitions were thwarted.
• Then came Dalbs. Couldn't get straight off the tee, couldn't get straight off the grass, couldn't putt straight on the greens. Took to smoking some grass which pepped him up for the last hole – thru' the green in 2 to bring him back next week.

Results:
1st: Steve (+3)
2nd: Scobes (+2)
3rd: Ronzo . . . surprise, surprise (+1)
NTP: Steve
LD: Walks
NAGA: Dalbs
Apres golf: Not played. Kitty stands at $7.40.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Stroke, Hamersley
MATCH PLAY Round 1 (Continued)

A good half dozen (seems the popular number at present) were, unbeknowns to them, about to tee-off under a soon to be outdated pay-and-play arrangement. Match Play was the theme and the qualifier between Litts and Denno was in the spotlight. Denno was doing his usual calisthenics to warm up for battle (i.e. cracking classic jokes) while Littsy was conspicuous by his absence. A brave decision to move Denno forward to Round 1 was met with raucous applause . . . and then faces turned pale as a Graham Little vehicle look-a-like pulled in next to the DI van. Fortunately (for Denno), the driver bore no resemblance and the game was on . . . .

Highlights:

• Walks cuts a lonely figure in surroundings he was overfamiliar with today

  The Allardice boys and Dalbs led the way – Steve right trees, Dalbs left trees, Ronzo down the middle. Our club elder was running HOT from his rampaging return to form last week with a par on the 10th. And then . . . the familiar sound of ball clunking off trees (with, surprisingly, no vocal accompaniments) and frustrating moments on the green and Ronzo was in a playoff with Steve for (what they thought would be) the NAGA. Steve and Dalbs kept up the tree rage, the trio leaving copious numbers of leaves scattered around the course. It was not a pretty sight – only 4 par'd holes in 27 attempts. But little did Steve and Dalbs realise the mostly carnage following behind and, surprisingly, found themselves sharing the podium. What a way to treat a magnificent morning for golf;
• Somehow the last group was made up of the 'Three Tenners' – the three who each scored just 10 points in the previous week at Hamersley!
  Steady golf from Macca – he seems to have regained his straight drive and his short game was reasonably tidy, particularly at the close, with pars on 17 (Index 3) and 18 (Index 1)!! Not so the dynamic duo competing in their Match Play. The boys hooked, sliced and shanked their way around the course with points not being won, but granted to the least worst scorer on each hole. And Denno won all of the holes where they didn't equal each other in tree richochets/almost Little bounces – default was all his! Meanwhile Walks has obviously over-trained and perhaps needs another visit to his Pro...or maybe to a Carnarvon sanatorium.
• Then the ultimate ignominy:  the exalted one –  President Little himself – bounced into Royal Hamersley demanding to know why he was overlooked in the Match Play battle.

Results:
1st: Macca (Net 33)
2nd: Dalbs (38)
3rd: Stevie (39)
NTP: Stevie
LD: Stevie
NAGA: Walks
Apres golf: Not played – leaving Denno with the conundrum of how to explain how he got to return home before 9.30.
Match Play results

Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Stableford, Hamersley

Macca's birthday wrap . . . Just six starters for the special 66th Birthday Bash to commemorate the birth of our oldest, and most august, senior citizen. No one else on the course, which saved us from an illegal open fire citation when Ronzo lit the celebratory candle with a match from the Burj Al Arab.

The 10th hole at Hamersley can be a good indicator of the future and so it was to be today: mediocre to poor results from five of our number and a splendiferous drive from last away Squancy. A continuation of his Binningup form. The cool clear morning should have led to superb golf and two of our number produced – great  to see a return to form by the Elder Allardice and the aforementioned Graham S.  Jacko maintained his consistent fair average quality game, but read below for the sorry tale of the three Bureau Golden Oldies.

And on golf politics there is a rumour about that the new handicapper wasn’t sufficiently handicapped for the role and has been kicked upstairs for work from now to Christmas to beautiful Sydney. No doubt the sufficiently handicapped Denno will return to this honorary position in the interim.

Highlights:

• An excellent round of 22 points from tyro and current Binningup champ G.Squance. He has moved his top hand a little to the left and his resulting drives were great. To the chagrin of the rest of us he could have been even better with a little more luck on the putting surface;
• A return to his historic form by rampaging Ronzo who produced a sound 20 points with a good all round game. He also won the NTP for the third time this season,  hitting just four metres to the right of the pin;
• A reasonable round of 17 points, including a birdie on the difficult 17th, from Action Jackson. He will be sorely missed on the course but his country needs him in Sydney;
• Great to have Dennis gracing the greens once again – his maiden visit this season. His usual stroke seemed to have gone missing however and he was the least worst of the losers on10 points. It should be noted that his announced result of Outright NAGA was adjusted by the eagle-eyed handicapper who realise that the deluded Denno should have been playing off a handicap of 10, not 9!
• What do we say about Macca? Following his Binningup NAGA he narrowly missed another last place by beating Walks on a count-back. He hit the wrong ball on consecutive holes to wipe both. Unaccountably though he won the long drive to go with his pair at Binningup. It is rumoured he is putting together a case for age to become a major component of handicap;
• Walks’s handicap has plummeted and today his score did too. The set-back of his first NAGA is unlikely to be repeated as he ratchels up to 45 holes of golf this week.

Results:
1st: Graham S (22 points)
2nd: Ron A (20)
3rd: Jacko (17)
NTP: Ronzo
LD: Macca
NAGA: Walks, on count-forward from Macca and Dennis(10)
Apres golf: No report received.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Modified Stableford, Hamersley

Squancey had the car park to himself. And, suddenly, five others had joined him for a fling at Modified Stableford. There was an omen in the air and in a tall tree, as Walks was pooped on from a great height by an unidentified bird. After cleaning himself up (so he thought), he continued to clean himself up on the course . . . but more of that in a moment. There was a buzz of excitement at the thought of Binningup next week which prompted Ronzo to advise us to bring a good insect repellant to ward off the buzz of mosquitoes and flies that are in copious numbers this year. He then joined the Karrinyup Kids for a leisurely stroll in the park . . . .

How it all unfolded

• Macca seemingly played the perfect Modified Stableford round with some solid drives and fairway shots and a relatively tidy short game. Only ventured into damaging 'minus score' territory on the par 3's and strode off the last green with chest puffed out and a +4;
• Walks cleaned himself up (we're back in the moment!), as he did last week, over the opening holes and was -7 after the 5th, including 4 tree collisions in just 7 shots. Could this be an all time record low score? The Great Phantom Houdini (see his Apres escape in last week's report) pulled off yet another brilliant slight-of-hand, piling up +12 over the last 4 holes as the shackles, chains and handcuffs just fell away at the 17th where he birdied the second hardest hole (no poop!) for what eventually earned him a +8!!! Unbelievable;
• The only other player in positive territory was Jacko who also went Whacko early – down -5 after 4 holes. Steady Eddie then steadied the ship, coming home +6 over the remaining holes, helped by par and +5 on the last;
• Of those in negative territory, Ronzo fared the best. The signs of a comeback are there – he's steering his buggy better; the AAARRRGGGHHs and Noooo's are not as loud; he's managing a few more Little bounces and he's avoided the NAGA. Watch this space. Dalbs tried very hard, including to win the NAGA, being -6 after 2 holes. Managed a birdie on the par 5 14th for +5 to save some face but stayed well back in the shadow of his Karrinyup twin. Squancey looked the goods, having only 5 putts in the first 4 holes including sinking two quite long attempts to be +2. Whether the early efforts of his playing partners (Walks and Jacko) wore him down remains uncertain. But his -7 from then on was, once again, good enough to take the NAGA but not before matching it with Walks to be on the 17th green in 2 before taking 4 putts to the Phantom's one. Sometimes, golf is just not fair!

How it all finished

If a picture paints a thousand words, the following tells all. Macca the morning winner became Macca the mourning second as a scoring error was detected by our principled Handicapper. Houdini had tried to escape with only 5 points for his three-shot birdie on the 17th, but the eagle was actually a bigger, fatter Albatross worth +8.

Results:
1st: Walks (+5)
2nd: Macca (+4)
3rd: Jacko (+1)
NTP: Dalbs
LD: Dalbs
NAGA: Squancey
Apres golf: Walks did it again, managing to stay on the correct side of the stone wall. Jacko and Squancey were competitive. Dalbs just made up the numbers.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Stableford, Hamersley
SPRING CLASSIC

A perfect Spring day for a Spring Classic, made even more pleasant by the sudden appearance of the Little Master who preferred the track at Hamersley to that at Flemington. On such a significant sporting day, an almost full field of 9 players coughed up $10 for a shot at "Pick the Sport" and, true to Melbourne Cup tradition, no one picked a winner and that stallion, Macca, trotted away from the winner's circle with $90 to swell the club coffers. All seemed normal as we gathered on the 10th, ignorant of the fact that the front 9 was closed and no one had gazumped us under the circumstances.

Highlights

• Fresh from a guest appearance at the Bill McLennan Cup, TLM burst out of the blocks and wiped the first hole. A slow starter, he then par'd holes 12 to 14 (for 11 points!) and the 16th and the score had climbed to winning proportions. CONGRATULATIONS TOMMY on your second Classic win;
• Once again the Karrinyup Kids went blow for blow, Macca's card all 2-pointers bar one, while Dalbs wiped one and made up for it with a couple of 3-pointers, sufficiently strategically placed to sneak a second from Macca on countback;
• The Allardice boys stuck together, each wiping (the same) 2 holes. Ronzo's showing signs on the scoreboard that a resurgence is nigh while Steve is contemplating leaving the country, his handicap having "eased" out from 10 to 14 over the past month;
• The club's low handicappers, Jacko and Litts, stuck together like Clag – both slow starters, both wiping the same one and only hole (11th) and both scoring 14 points with consistent finishes;
• The Phantom went missing for the first four holes notching up only 2 points (what a difference a week off can make). Warmed up the creaky joints after that with 11 points over the closing holes;
• Squancey had all sorts of encouragement thrown at him as he struggled to get the ball off the ground or into the hole. Some days you can't take a trick and this was one of them. Showed great composure for all but the last 8 holes.

Results:
1st: Tom (20 points)
2nd: Dalbs (17) on countback from . . .
3rd: Macca (17)
NTP: Tom
LD: Ronzo
NAGA: Squancey
Apres golf: Walks made the "Mother of all Comebacks" after one of his putts left the green and disappeared over the side wall. He miraculously recovered (to strange looks from the public gallery) to snatch victory from the steady Jacko and Tommy who faded after a comfort stop. Dalbs just made up the numbers.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Stroke, Hamersley
MATCH PLAY, Round 1

Some deft footwork (and a soft hip shuffle) and Macca had us back at Hamersley on a perfect Spring morning for the start of Match Play 2013. The (Not the) Spring Classic (at Wembley) would have to wait. True to his threat, our popular President was back for a 9-hole physical fitness trial with no big expectations. After Snout announced the draw (to subdued unprintable murmurings), the battle of the double K's vs the double A's began followed by Ventyx vs Ventyx.

Some highlights

• Allardice (Chalk 2) vs Karrinyup Kid 1 (Macca). It was a contest most noticeable for its taunts. Steve struck the first blow going 1 up after 1. But KK1 had only just begun to fight. With flailing club and flashing tongue, he pulled up only 5 over after 5 holes and up +2. Steve was visibly shaken (by Chalk 1, quite mercilessly) as they shuffled to the 15th, where Macca was quick to remind Steve that this was Steve's favourite hole (he's never par'd it!). The ruse worked, Steve continuing to struggle with his short game to score a double par (8) and the end was nigh;
• Allardice (Chalk 1) vs Karrinyup Kid 2 (Dalbs). What a contest this pairing promised – Ronzo out to protect his rising NAGA status and KK2 starved of golf for weeks. Not to disappoint, this pair fluffed and duffed their way through the first four holes with zany "golf" – Ronzo 12 over the card; Dalbs 10 over; and the game all square. The Noooooo's that echoed through the many struck trees were repeated over the closing holes, a portent of Ronzo's fate as another classic NAGA win awaited, and all he could do was watch the thin man skylarking around to be only 3 over for the final 5 holes;
• Ventyx vs Ventyx. Was the Squance a little nervous or nervous of the Little? Whatever, he started a tad wobbly while the new "Silent Assassin" went quietly (that's the silent bit) about his devious business of playing wretchedly consistent golf. As a consequence, Ventyx SA was 3 up after 3. Though buffered by an extra stroke on the 4th, Squancey won the hole stroke-for-stroke. Was this the anticipated comeback? An 8 on the par 5 14th and the opening pattern was re-established and the assassination completed;             
• And, saving the best 'til last, comes the story of the best comeback in the club's history. Fair to say, Litts was offered a reprieve on his 9 starting handicap but it was modestly declined (he's just that sort of guy). All was poker-faced as his group negotiated the 18th hole, that easy swing and deadly putting style apparent. It appeared as though he'd never

  The winners face has been altered to hide the excited expression (Where was Macca's left hand?)

  been away and, as it turned out, he played that way – a magnificent 41 off the bat for a net 32, including paring the first 5 holes mostly with one putts. What a man – what a win! His appearance must've been the reason for an unusually high number of Little bounces in the KK vs AA contests.

Results:
1st: Litts (Net 32)
2nd: Jacko (34)
3rd: Macca (35)
NTP: Jacko
LD: Dalbs
NAGA: Ronzo
Apres golf: Uncontested
Match Play results

Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Stroke, Hamersley
GOLDEN PUTTER, Round 2

Editorial:
I have to be perfectly frank and register my distaste that our beloved Sponsors, Chalk 1 and Chalk 2, are now being called Little Stevie and the Easybeat – nothing to do with pop music. In fact it relates to the unfortunate circumstance that they have been announced as the NAGA each week of our first five games in season 2013-14. I call on all those who are peddlling this nastiness, even though it is apparently accurate, to desist forthwith! And please see the facts below!!

Now to the golf. The forgetful one, G.Squance, made the course on time today and started proceedings with the classic comment: "Who left the fridge door open?"; when confronted by fine but icy conditions on the tenth tee at 5:13am. Nevertheless, all players started reasonably well on the tenth hole with Macca’s par 4, three 5s and two 6s. Unfortunately, leader Ronzo’s 6 included a nervous three putts to immediately level with Jacko on 18 putts after ten holes and make it a real two horse race. Game on and forget about the ‘also rans’!

Highlights

• Jacko’s comfortable 46 gross, despite having more lay-ups than Ricky Grace; also Walks has started to show a little of his Winter form with a solid 49. Other gross, and exceedingly gross, scores of 50 or more from the others;
• Jacko’s two pars, together with excellent one-putts, over challenging holes 17 and 18, to ice the event with an impressive total of just 13 putts to go with his 16 on the front nine;
• Second was the consistent Ronzo who again used only 15 putts for the round, together with a sweet  birdie on the par 5 14th;
• Graham Squance played his usual neat brand of golf but showed he needs more time on the course with a couple of slightly untidy shots marring what could have been a sound round;
• Captain Walker had much counting back to do to separate Jacko from himself for best net score of 35; Macca from Ronzo with a joint 39 for the third position on the podium; and Macca from himself for a Golden Putter third place total of 35 putts;
• Steve’s request of  your rapporteur  not to mention his NAGA, and I am mentioning it only because Squancy’s net 41 was one stroke worse than Steve’s 40 and he was the true NAGA! Why can’t we get Squancy’s score right at the presentations?

Results:
1st: Jacko (Net 35) on countback from . . .
2nd: Walks (35)
3rd: Macca (39) on countback from Ronzo
NTP: Ronzo
LD: Walks
NAGA: Squancey
Apres golf: Late Press reports Walks as victor over the reigning Golden Putter Winner Jacko
Full Golden Putter results

Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Stroke, Hamersley
GOLDEN PUTTER, Round 1

A rain-free day and a non-productive reminder call to birthday boy Mr Squance who somehow found something better to do at 5:16am on a Tuesday. The five competitors lined up on the first tee knowing that once again this year there would be more sand on the greens than in the outer suburbs of Dubai. (2014 schedulers please note!).

Only average golf played on the first few holes (although Jacko tried to drag down the average – he has vowed to get up earlier in the future so he can start playing real golf with the rest of us). Chris then awoke with a par/one putt on the third hole followed by a screamer from off the green for a no putt on the fourth. After that he showed his skills around the course to finish with a creditable 16 putts runner-up result together with all of the novelties! The Allardice Twins showed their mettle with Steve scoring a nice no-putt on the second but first-born Ronzo, with five one-putts around the course, leads all comers into the second round with just 15 putts. Walks and Macca can best be described as non-descript putters matching Steve with a too-large 19 putts. It looks like a two-horse race for the season’s first Major.

Some highlights

• Jacko’s treble of NTP, LD, then Apres-Putting maiden victory over much vaunted Graham Walker is probably unique in GBWGC annals (or should that be ‘anals’?);
• Macca did drive quite well after emergency professional coaching during the previous week and somehow managed another stroke victory on the day with a 49 off the stick for a net score of 35;
• Ronzo showed a little of his burgeoning talent with the best gross score of 48 for a net 37 and only some moderate Arghhhs! around the course;             
• Chris was pipped by Walks on a count-back  with each scoring a handicap-protecting 38;
• Platinum sponsor and Mornington Masters specialist S**** was the popular NAGA with a net 40, leading to his aim for a single digit handicap languishing in the mire. The comment was made that the only single digit involved in his game should be the one he extracts!
• The Allardice Twins continue their iron grip on the 2013 NAGA award.

Results:
1st: Macca (Net 35)
2nd: Ron A (37)
3rd: Walks (38) on countback from Jacko
NTP: Jacko
LD: G. Jacko
NAGA: Steve
Apres golf: Jacko

Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Par Bisque, Hamersley

Something was amiss – two "foreigners" were already at the 10th tee and were gradually joined by more. We'd been gazumped but, as it turned out, only because the front nine was closed due to green sanding. After much muscle flexing (Dalbs excluded), they agreed to let us tee off while they waited for their missing compatriots – and didn't our first group (RA, GM, SA) show 'em how to belt it down the middle. Greens were moist and slow and quite a few putts fell agonisingly short.

Some highlights

• Steve mercilessly tore up the course with a 42 off the stick including 3 pars!! He'd fixed his "right skew" off the tee and played some impressive approach shots - the sort of thing he does on the last day at Mornington! He'd used up his handicap after the 17th but his third shot on the 18th from 100+ metres out in the rough landed about 15cms from the hole for a 4 to square the hole and make a great addition to his eclectic. Tremendous effort Stevie!
• Macca - with a self-described "Fair Average Quality" round - skilfully worked the system to score a +3. In the other group, Dalbs and Walks"milked" the system, using 3 strokes on holes (RD once; GW three times) to gain "pluses". However, try as they might, their collective efforts of great golf shots, forgettable duffs, silky putts and "just missed" opportunities saw the trio tied on +3. The Captain's brain went into melt down trying to sort the minor placings but was helped out by our IT guru who quickly spat out a computer program and a few expletives before completing the required calculations;
• Speaking of Jacko, he cleverly lulled his fellow players into a false sense of security as he fluffed and duffed his way down the 10th, finally declining to use 5 handicap strokes to score a +. Impressed on the next two holes, went AWOL, impressed, AWOL, impressed . . .and so it went. But still managed a respectable enough score to avoid the NAGA . . . ;
• . . . which remains the provence of one Ronald (McDonald) Allardice. He rarely got going and, despite a new battery in the buggy, it rarely got going either. In between pushing the buggy and uttering a few AAAARRRRHHHHH's, he was at least willing to talk about his chip-in on the 11th.

Results:
1st: Steve - +6
2nd: Macca (+3) on countback from . . .
3rd: Dalbs(+3) [and Walks (+3)]
NTP: Ronzo
LD: G. Walks
NAGA: Ronzo
Apres golf: Sanded out

NOTE: Par Bisque scores were converted to Par-equivalent for handicapping purposes.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Stroke, Hamersley

A pleasant chippy morning in pleasant company and the 10th tee all to ourselves. All those physically capable of swinging a golf club accounted for the seven players squaring up for a round of real golf – stroke. Ronzo and Snout were making their first season appearances, not aware at the time that their respective rounds couldn't be more opposite! From a personal perspective, it was exciting to be back amongst "the boys" and all of us hoping to play with the absent boys at some future stage.

For some reason, football paraphernalia seemed the go . . .

Some highlights

• Propped up by his now notorious handicap, Snout played his lights out. Must've been the excitement of the new season. Can report that the suspect short game held up, enough to finish net 6 under the card and suffer the handicapper's ire;
• He's starting to push for the coveted title of "Mr Consistent". Jacko was Steady Eddy again, carding a very respectable net 33 but finishing second AGAIN. Perhaps the fact he turned purple when results were announced might explain it;
• Steve and Walks played some "hot and cold". Both were only 4 shots over on their best five holes, but Steve faded on the home stretch and couldn't "tip-toe" in enough putts with a few very near misses – while Walks murdered the 10th and 14th with 8 over for the two holes;
• The over-40s were not a happy lot. Squancey just couldn't get going – except for his birdie on the 16th after JUST missing a hole-in-one chance; Macca couldn't repeat his previous heroics – except for his Ladies Violation after a slow start; and Ronzo was only prepared to talk about the 17th where he chipped in for par.

Results:
1st: Dalbs - Net 30
2nd: Jacko (33)
3rd: Steve (37)
NTP: Jacko
LD: Walks
NAGA: Ronzo
Apres golf: Macca (+8)
Birdie: Squancey (16th)

Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Stableford, Hamersley
SEASON OPENER

Reporter Macca reports . . . The word for today was ‘bleak’, and that wasn’t just the windy, wet weather. Five intrepid GBW-ers were the first players on the course, only to be met by a BACK 9 CLOSED sign; the usual seasonal coring was under way. No problem – happily off to the front nine. All that was missing was the traditional tee-off by the now-properly-employed apparent President-for-Life G Little esq.

On a sourer note, I am sorry to have to report a flagrant disregard of dress code by an as yet unnamed platinum sponsor. He was seen to wear a drab brown and yellow cap throughout the game! Now onto the golf, with 30kph wind gusts and a splattering of rain.

Some highlights

• Quite a battle between G.Squance and Macca (each scoring 49 off the stick) for top spot, finally resolved by Macca’s generous handicap. Your Treasurer did manage four pars in his round to apparently pip the quietly consistent Graham. However, after an audit of the card it seems that the fast finishing Jacko actually pipped Squancy on a count-back! Wasn’t Graham S also harshly dealt with like this last season?;
• The boys played as a fivesome made even more exciting by the dubious score-keeping by your (unnamed) In-City Captain.
• A disappointed Jacko, with 50 off the stick, did not play with his sparkling pre-season form but the revised card has him coming second on a countback from the hardly done by Squancy;
• NAGA runner up Walks was adversely affected by the weight of responsibility of scoring for the five players, adjudicating on NTP and LD, and recalculating ratings for the front nine. He ended up on 15 points but look for more as this season unfolds;
• NAGA Steve was sadly affected by a pull to the right, probably as a result of his silly cap being a bit too tight. He did ice the NTP on the fifth hole but still managed three putts while lesser shots ended up on par;
• Interestingly given the wind and rain there were some reasonable drives throughout the day led by Squancy’s LD on the 6th hole.

Results:
1st: Macca - 19 points
2nd: Jacko (16) on countback from . . .
3rd: G. Squance (16)
NTP: Steve
LD: G. Squance
NAGA: Steve
Apres golf: Washout